It's hard to believe that 2010 is just around the corner. Are we really almost a decade into the 2000's? I guess the answer is yes. The cliche, time flies, is now inserted. I know this time of year people are often reminiscing and reflecting on their lives and counting their blessings. I am no stranger to this. After my recent medical dramas I have spent A LOT of time counting my blessings.
With everything that went on leading up to my surgery my doctor could have come in that morning and said they would have to cut my legs off to fix me and I would have agreed. I was so frustrated and spent by that time that I just wanted it to be over. Unfortunately my doctor had been out of town and although the on call doctors were very nice, they didn't want to make any long-term decisions for me. While it was frustrating I understood. I love my doctor, we click really well and I trust him. With the other doctors I quietly questioned things but followed instructions, after all I didn't go to medical school. They just wanted to keep me stable until my doctor could be there.
We always knew we wanted 2 children and only 2 children. It's not to say that if something unexpected happened we wouldn't welcome another child, but if we had any say we wanted 2. We have been very blessed with 2 healthy children. I really never had any problems getting pregnant or maintaining the pregnancy. My pregnancies came with joy and minimal complications. I was very lucky. Seeing others going through infertility issues, and low progesterone, and many things that I never had to deal with I would almost feel guilty at how easy those things came for us.
Through recent events I have thought and thought about what if the above didn't happen? Brad's mom was 34 when she had Brad as the same age as my mom when she had my brother. Not an option for us. It's as if I grieved over something that never happened. I'm done having children and have been for 2 years. While things were happening I went through huge feelings of relief because children wasn't an issue. We knew we were done, that didn't have to play in our decisions, and for that I'm so thankful. But still after all was said and done and I came to terms with all that happened I went through a huge "what if" period.
It's so funny that when you become a parent you are filled with this intense love for your children and husband. More than anyone could ever know unless they are in that situation. You become a mother bear with constant watch and the protecting of your children a top priority. With this it was all magnified. Such a crazy thing. While my physical healing is almost complete I know my emotional and mental healing will continue to take some time. I'm Ok with that.
Each day becomes a little easier and as routines re-establish I know it will get better. Thank you God for my sweet family. I know all things happen for a reason and I know I'm blessed beyond anything I deserve. I'm thankful for the guardians above that I feel have aided in my protection.
God is good!
2 comments:
This is such a sweet post, Steph. You have such an incredible attitude, it's inspiring and contagious. Thank you for sharing so honestly and for being so candid about the things you went through and the feelings you've had. I think it's only completely normal to wonder "what if". But as you said God is so good. And this didn't come as any surprise to Him. He knew that this would happen and took care of you and your family throughout it. I'm so happy that you're physically feeling almost recovered. Do you have much time left before going back to work? I'd love to have coffee with you!!
I hope you guys had a very Merry Christmas!
Love,
Christina
You are a sweet, strong person and deserve all that's good in life. God bless you and your little family.
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