Lost?

Have you seen it? I had it for 32 years, but I lost it. I thought I cared for it as I should. I thought we got a long quite well, after all it was extremely cooperative and instrumental in making me a Mommy, but alas our relationship was to end and now you are gone.

I’m sure we all know what I am referring to here. You may actually be asking, “Why are we still hearing about this?” I ask that of myself to on the days where I’m wondering what went wrong and why. I know that I have said this before but when all was said and done and I was in my doctor’s office getting my staples out the nurse kept talking to me about how emotional this can be. Being the super tough girl I am (HAHA!) I graciously accepted her advice, but put it in my “This won’t pertain to me.” File in my brain.

So here I am 3 ½ months later and I still have days where I battle my emotions over this “loss”. One weird effect has been that pre-surgery wasn’t planning on anymore kids, even had my tubes tide to post-surgery sadness over this. Not because I all of a sudden decided I want another baby. More so because I could have had the reversal done on my tubes, so there was still some choice and option in my control; now no choice and no control. I’m a responsible parent. I always try to put my kids first, I rarely go anywhere without them, I support them financially and provide a stable and loving environment for them. Why would someone choose to take the choice away from me? These thoughts go through my head at times as I’m passing the 5th prego lady, at work, on the way to the bathroom. It’s as if even though I was going to be done with that chapter in my life, I really didn’t get to write the final lines of it.

I’m so truly thankful for my girls, both beautiful and smart; they make me laugh every day! I’m thankful for Brad who has gone above and beyond in helping me deal with my emotions. The days when I think I can’t face a situation and feel like I just want to hide in my house but say “well I have to deal with this sometime”, he reminds me that while there are things in life we can’t change you don’t have to roll out the red carpet for it today. He helps me know its ok and I can take the time to heal emotionally. I’ve learned takes much longer than the physical. I think that’s the way it always goes.

The other weird thing about this is the loneliness of it. Don’t get me wrong when I first went through this I had cards mailed, texts and calls received, and food brought over. However in the past when I have been home for an extended leave from work it has encompassed taking care of a baby. So when Brad would go to work I would have a little one, or two, hanging out with me during the day. This time everyone would leave and I would have myself. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy alone time every now and again, but most of the time my only activity allowances were to sit in a chair.

I tended to avoid, and still do, many friend group functions. It was as if I didn’t have the strength to go, like if someone were to ask me how I was doing I would just break down and cry; really what fun is that? When a new baby is involved you are excited and proud and you want to see people and show off your new bundle of joy. When you are feeling overwhelmed, had questions, or just wanted to share stories you had a resource group of all the moms you knew. While I did learn that there are more people out there that have been through similar experiences, but it’s not a normal topic you randomly bring up. I’ve looked at book stores and searched the internet to see what resources I could find. Ultimately I think it’s different for everyone. It happens under different circumstances and for different reasons. Even now as I am writing about this I don't know that I am doing justice to my feelings. So please pardon all of my ramblings. Sometimes it's helpful for me to write and get things out.

So I will continue to focus on the positive and have Faith in Him that his plan is purposeful and good. So while it may be lost now soon I hope the peace will be found.