Have you seen it? I had it for 32 years, but I lost it. I thought I cared for it as I should. I thought we got a long quite well, after all it was extremely cooperative and instrumental in making me a Mommy, but alas our relationship was to end and now you are gone.
I’m sure we all know what I am referring to here. You may actually be asking, “Why are we still hearing about this?” I ask that of myself to on the days where I’m wondering what went wrong and why. I know that I have said this before but when all was said and done and I was in my doctor’s office getting my staples out the nurse kept talking to me about how emotional this can be. Being the super tough girl I am (HAHA!) I graciously accepted her advice, but put it in my “This won’t pertain to me.” File in my brain.
So here I am 3 ½ months later and I still have days where I battle my emotions over this “loss”. One weird effect has been that pre-surgery wasn’t planning on anymore kids, even had my tubes tide to post-surgery sadness over this. Not because I all of a sudden decided I want another baby. More so because I could have had the reversal done on my tubes, so there was still some choice and option in my control; now no choice and no control. I’m a responsible parent. I always try to put my kids first, I rarely go anywhere without them, I support them financially and provide a stable and loving environment for them. Why would someone choose to take the choice away from me? These thoughts go through my head at times as I’m passing the 5th prego lady, at work, on the way to the bathroom. It’s as if even though I was going to be done with that chapter in my life, I really didn’t get to write the final lines of it.
I’m so truly thankful for my girls, both beautiful and smart; they make me laugh every day! I’m thankful for Brad who has gone above and beyond in helping me deal with my emotions. The days when I think I can’t face a situation and feel like I just want to hide in my house but say “well I have to deal with this sometime”, he reminds me that while there are things in life we can’t change you don’t have to roll out the red carpet for it today. He helps me know its ok and I can take the time to heal emotionally. I’ve learned takes much longer than the physical. I think that’s the way it always goes.
The other weird thing about this is the loneliness of it. Don’t get me wrong when I first went through this I had cards mailed, texts and calls received, and food brought over. However in the past when I have been home for an extended leave from work it has encompassed taking care of a baby. So when Brad would go to work I would have a little one, or two, hanging out with me during the day. This time everyone would leave and I would have myself. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy alone time every now and again, but most of the time my only activity allowances were to sit in a chair.
I tended to avoid, and still do, many friend group functions. It was as if I didn’t have the strength to go, like if someone were to ask me how I was doing I would just break down and cry; really what fun is that? When a new baby is involved you are excited and proud and you want to see people and show off your new bundle of joy. When you are feeling overwhelmed, had questions, or just wanted to share stories you had a resource group of all the moms you knew. While I did learn that there are more people out there that have been through similar experiences, but it’s not a normal topic you randomly bring up. I’ve looked at book stores and searched the internet to see what resources I could find. Ultimately I think it’s different for everyone. It happens under different circumstances and for different reasons. Even now as I am writing about this I don't know that I am doing justice to my feelings. So please pardon all of my ramblings. Sometimes it's helpful for me to write and get things out.
So I will continue to focus on the positive and have Faith in Him that his plan is purposeful and good. So while it may be lost now soon I hope the peace will be found.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Today...
Today has been A DAY!! It's only half over....so what have I been doing about it? Looking at happy pictures. Ones that fill me with warm fuzzies and inspire me. So take that you mean ole day, you!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Parenting Differences Between Two
These two girls are very similar and yet different. Do we want the same things for them yes, will they achieve them differently, yes!
As parents we try to be fair and consistent. We try to instill the same values and hope that they grow-up to be productive, good actioning members of society. We know that they are different and may need to be lead in differently, but ultimately down the same path. There are some other differences in parenting I've noticed in myself. Not so much in basic expectations and consequences of poor choices, but just in a first born vs. last born.
What does that mean? What is she rambling about now (I'm sure you are asking)? When Kaylee was 2 weeks shy of 2 years old Ainsley arrived. Poof Kaylee was a Big Sister and Ainsley was the baby. Things I expected of Kaylee became more "mature", things that Kaylee could do for herself I let her as a way to balance 2 children at such young ages. My experience with a 2 year old Kaylee and a 2 year old Ainsley have been SO different. Kaylee was the oldest and with her I "pushed" older. Meaning there were things I was excited to experience with her as she matured, and I had Ainsley to meet the "baby" needs of.
Now both my girls are very close to being 3 and 5. I watch Ainsley and think soon I will NEVER have a 2 year old again. This is it, my last one. It's very bittersweet. Ainsley so looks up to Kaylee and is so excited to go to "school" and do the things Kaylee does, which has been some what helpful in potty training, although that's another post because we all know Ainsley has her own little spunk to her. So I am excited for Ainsley, but I also know I still carry her on my hip when Kaylee would have been walking, she's so little I can still hold her and rock, even though often times she doesn't want to sit still, and there are many other things that I will do for Ainsley that Kaylee was doing for herself.
I think this is often true of many people who have more than one child that are young. It's something I notice and something I find interesting. I am excited for Kaylee with all of the firsts and said with Ainsley because they are the lasts. So I think I will just look forward to the "different" ways we follow down that path and love on them as much as I can throughout the journey!
As parents we try to be fair and consistent. We try to instill the same values and hope that they grow-up to be productive, good actioning members of society. We know that they are different and may need to be lead in differently, but ultimately down the same path. There are some other differences in parenting I've noticed in myself. Not so much in basic expectations and consequences of poor choices, but just in a first born vs. last born.What does that mean? What is she rambling about now (I'm sure you are asking)? When Kaylee was 2 weeks shy of 2 years old Ainsley arrived. Poof Kaylee was a Big Sister and Ainsley was the baby. Things I expected of Kaylee became more "mature", things that Kaylee could do for herself I let her as a way to balance 2 children at such young ages. My experience with a 2 year old Kaylee and a 2 year old Ainsley have been SO different. Kaylee was the oldest and with her I "pushed" older. Meaning there were things I was excited to experience with her as she matured, and I had Ainsley to meet the "baby" needs of.
Now both my girls are very close to being 3 and 5. I watch Ainsley and think soon I will NEVER have a 2 year old again. This is it, my last one. It's very bittersweet. Ainsley so looks up to Kaylee and is so excited to go to "school" and do the things Kaylee does, which has been some what helpful in potty training, although that's another post because we all know Ainsley has her own little spunk to her. So I am excited for Ainsley, but I also know I still carry her on my hip when Kaylee would have been walking, she's so little I can still hold her and rock, even though often times she doesn't want to sit still, and there are many other things that I will do for Ainsley that Kaylee was doing for herself.
I think this is often true of many people who have more than one child that are young. It's something I notice and something I find interesting. I am excited for Kaylee with all of the firsts and said with Ainsley because they are the lasts. So I think I will just look forward to the "different" ways we follow down that path and love on them as much as I can throughout the journey!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Kaylee's Wonderland
In light of the recent snowy weather we have had I thought I would post this story. Ainsley will often ask me to sing a song or tell a story about a random object she can see in the room. Example one day I was wearing pajama pants with snowflakes on them and she asked me to tell her a story about snowflakes. Since then the requests continue to come and the above mentioned story is now known as the Kaylee Wonderland story. We all know that Kaylee has a flare for the dramatics and I believe on this particular day she was being “extra” dramatic!
Here’s the “Kaylee’s Wonderland”:
Once upon a time there was a girl named Kaylee. One day while she was at home it started to snow. Kaylee loved the snow and couldn’t wait to go out and play in it. After there was a light dusting on the ground she gathered her coat, snow pants, hat, scarf, gloves and boots, put them all on and went outside. The light snow was still falling from the sky. After running around for awhile she began to get tired and decided to lie down and make a snow angel.
While she lay on the grown she watched the snow continue to fall from the sky, she felt as though she were in a snow globe. She soon realized the flakes were getting bigger and bigger. Instead of flakes they were like big, soft, blankets falling from the sky. Before she could get up a large flake fell from the sky and landed on her and covered her up. Kaylee, who was very dramatic, begin to cry. She cried and cried and cried and cried!
The warmth of tears began to melt all the snow and soon she was surrounded by water that was carrying her away. So to get home she had to swim, swim, swim. Once home her Mommy dried her off and wiped her tears away.
The water outside that was left from her tears froze. Later that afternoon Kaylee gathered all her snow things again and this time instead of her boots she grabbed her skates and went outside to ice skate. She also wore her floaties, this way if she began to cry again she could float back home instead of swim.
Here’s the “Kaylee’s Wonderland”:
Once upon a time there was a girl named Kaylee. One day while she was at home it started to snow. Kaylee loved the snow and couldn’t wait to go out and play in it. After there was a light dusting on the ground she gathered her coat, snow pants, hat, scarf, gloves and boots, put them all on and went outside. The light snow was still falling from the sky. After running around for awhile she began to get tired and decided to lie down and make a snow angel.
While she lay on the grown she watched the snow continue to fall from the sky, she felt as though she were in a snow globe. She soon realized the flakes were getting bigger and bigger. Instead of flakes they were like big, soft, blankets falling from the sky. Before she could get up a large flake fell from the sky and landed on her and covered her up. Kaylee, who was very dramatic, begin to cry. She cried and cried and cried and cried!
The warmth of tears began to melt all the snow and soon she was surrounded by water that was carrying her away. So to get home she had to swim, swim, swim. Once home her Mommy dried her off and wiped her tears away.
The water outside that was left from her tears froze. Later that afternoon Kaylee gathered all her snow things again and this time instead of her boots she grabbed her skates and went outside to ice skate. She also wore her floaties, this way if she began to cry again she could float back home instead of swim.
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