Grieving

Okay so "Grieving" might not be the most appropriate name for this post. It's not grieving over someone who has died. It's more about children growing up. Ainsley Isabella started Kindergarten this week. Yep, my baby is now a school-ager. She is a full-fledged kid. My first baby, Kaylee McKenna? She headed into 2nd Grade. Both healthy, happy and excited for their new adventures. So why the title of "Grieving"?

Well I remember when Kaylee was a baby and I was rocking and feeding her before bed, she was less than 2 months old, I was looking at her and started to cry (my hormones could have possibly been in overdrive) thinking that although she would always be my Kaylee she, as I was looking at her then, wouldn't always be what I saw. She would grow bigger and change.

Sure enough both of my girls have grown and changed everyday. As I look at them now I am so appreciative and feel so blessed that they are healthy! Perhaps that is why I feel conflicted of using the term "grieving". However I do miss those days, the baby/toddler days. The days where it was eat, change, play, sleep, repeat:)

The days where they brought me book after book to read to them, now they just read on their own.

The days where they would tug at my hand and lead me to the door to go outside, now they just come in and out on their own.

The days when we went for stroller and wagon rides and now they zoom past me on our walks with their bikes or scooters and I have to tell them to stop so I can catch up.

The days when I had to cut everything into tiny bites and now they can cut their own food (mostly) and feed themselves.

Even the days when they needed me to give them a clean diaper and now not only do they use the bathroom themselves they even change the toilet paper roll.

The list goes on. Don't get me wrong I enjoy their independence (for the most part:)). I love that Kaylee likes to clean her room and puts her own clothes away. I love that Ainsley is a free spirit and has the courage to do whatever she sets her mind to. I love each new chapter and watching them grow and figure things out.

But with each new chapter another closes. Each new chapter puts us farther away from the first. Each new chapter will find them more and more independent and more things on my list that have changed. It's life, it's exciting and I'm blessed.

I look at my parents, and Brad's, the grandparents if you will, and I see them experiencing all of the above a second time over with their grandchildren. I wonder how they feel about those closed chapters. I see how they enjoy the new chapters and keeps me excited and eases the pain when closing a chapter.

So maybe "Grieving" isn't listed in Webster's as what I've described above, but it's how I interpret it and how I feel. I love the newness but I so miss some of those old days and stages. They are cherished memories. They are days I reflect on. They are days that have shaped me and filled some empty places in my heart. They were challenging days and some days that I thought would never end. They have been scary days and they have been perfect days.

I grieve for those days, I treasure those days and I look forward to the next day. I know each new chapter brings to close another chapter and it fills me with pride, happiness, excitement and grief. Perhaps this is the  circle of life?