Have you seen it? I had it for 32 years, but I lost it. I thought I cared for it as I should. I thought we got a long quite well, after all it was extremely cooperative and instrumental in making me a Mommy, but alas our relationship was to end and now you are gone.
I’m sure we all know what I am referring to here. You may actually be asking, “Why are we still hearing about this?” I ask that of myself to on the days where I’m wondering what went wrong and why. I know that I have said this before but when all was said and done and I was in my doctor’s office getting my staples out the nurse kept talking to me about how emotional this can be. Being the super tough girl I am (HAHA!) I graciously accepted her advice, but put it in my “This won’t pertain to me.” File in my brain.
So here I am 3 ½ months later and I still have days where I battle my emotions over this “loss”. One weird effect has been that pre-surgery wasn’t planning on anymore kids, even had my tubes tide to post-surgery sadness over this. Not because I all of a sudden decided I want another baby. More so because I could have had the reversal done on my tubes, so there was still some choice and option in my control; now no choice and no control. I’m a responsible parent. I always try to put my kids first, I rarely go anywhere without them, I support them financially and provide a stable and loving environment for them. Why would someone choose to take the choice away from me? These thoughts go through my head at times as I’m passing the 5th prego lady, at work, on the way to the bathroom. It’s as if even though I was going to be done with that chapter in my life, I really didn’t get to write the final lines of it.
I’m so truly thankful for my girls, both beautiful and smart; they make me laugh every day! I’m thankful for Brad who has gone above and beyond in helping me deal with my emotions. The days when I think I can’t face a situation and feel like I just want to hide in my house but say “well I have to deal with this sometime”, he reminds me that while there are things in life we can’t change you don’t have to roll out the red carpet for it today. He helps me know its ok and I can take the time to heal emotionally. I’ve learned takes much longer than the physical. I think that’s the way it always goes.
The other weird thing about this is the loneliness of it. Don’t get me wrong when I first went through this I had cards mailed, texts and calls received, and food brought over. However in the past when I have been home for an extended leave from work it has encompassed taking care of a baby. So when Brad would go to work I would have a little one, or two, hanging out with me during the day. This time everyone would leave and I would have myself. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy alone time every now and again, but most of the time my only activity allowances were to sit in a chair.
I tended to avoid, and still do, many friend group functions. It was as if I didn’t have the strength to go, like if someone were to ask me how I was doing I would just break down and cry; really what fun is that? When a new baby is involved you are excited and proud and you want to see people and show off your new bundle of joy. When you are feeling overwhelmed, had questions, or just wanted to share stories you had a resource group of all the moms you knew. While I did learn that there are more people out there that have been through similar experiences, but it’s not a normal topic you randomly bring up. I’ve looked at book stores and searched the internet to see what resources I could find. Ultimately I think it’s different for everyone. It happens under different circumstances and for different reasons. Even now as I am writing about this I don't know that I am doing justice to my feelings. So please pardon all of my ramblings. Sometimes it's helpful for me to write and get things out.
So I will continue to focus on the positive and have Faith in Him that his plan is purposeful and good. So while it may be lost now soon I hope the peace will be found.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Today...
Today has been A DAY!! It's only half over....so what have I been doing about it? Looking at happy pictures. Ones that fill me with warm fuzzies and inspire me. So take that you mean ole day, you!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Parenting Differences Between Two
These two girls are very similar and yet different. Do we want the same things for them yes, will they achieve them differently, yes!
As parents we try to be fair and consistent. We try to instill the same values and hope that they grow-up to be productive, good actioning members of society. We know that they are different and may need to be lead in differently, but ultimately down the same path. There are some other differences in parenting I've noticed in myself. Not so much in basic expectations and consequences of poor choices, but just in a first born vs. last born.
What does that mean? What is she rambling about now (I'm sure you are asking)? When Kaylee was 2 weeks shy of 2 years old Ainsley arrived. Poof Kaylee was a Big Sister and Ainsley was the baby. Things I expected of Kaylee became more "mature", things that Kaylee could do for herself I let her as a way to balance 2 children at such young ages. My experience with a 2 year old Kaylee and a 2 year old Ainsley have been SO different. Kaylee was the oldest and with her I "pushed" older. Meaning there were things I was excited to experience with her as she matured, and I had Ainsley to meet the "baby" needs of.
Now both my girls are very close to being 3 and 5. I watch Ainsley and think soon I will NEVER have a 2 year old again. This is it, my last one. It's very bittersweet. Ainsley so looks up to Kaylee and is so excited to go to "school" and do the things Kaylee does, which has been some what helpful in potty training, although that's another post because we all know Ainsley has her own little spunk to her. So I am excited for Ainsley, but I also know I still carry her on my hip when Kaylee would have been walking, she's so little I can still hold her and rock, even though often times she doesn't want to sit still, and there are many other things that I will do for Ainsley that Kaylee was doing for herself.
I think this is often true of many people who have more than one child that are young. It's something I notice and something I find interesting. I am excited for Kaylee with all of the firsts and said with Ainsley because they are the lasts. So I think I will just look forward to the "different" ways we follow down that path and love on them as much as I can throughout the journey!
As parents we try to be fair and consistent. We try to instill the same values and hope that they grow-up to be productive, good actioning members of society. We know that they are different and may need to be lead in differently, but ultimately down the same path. There are some other differences in parenting I've noticed in myself. Not so much in basic expectations and consequences of poor choices, but just in a first born vs. last born.What does that mean? What is she rambling about now (I'm sure you are asking)? When Kaylee was 2 weeks shy of 2 years old Ainsley arrived. Poof Kaylee was a Big Sister and Ainsley was the baby. Things I expected of Kaylee became more "mature", things that Kaylee could do for herself I let her as a way to balance 2 children at such young ages. My experience with a 2 year old Kaylee and a 2 year old Ainsley have been SO different. Kaylee was the oldest and with her I "pushed" older. Meaning there were things I was excited to experience with her as she matured, and I had Ainsley to meet the "baby" needs of.
Now both my girls are very close to being 3 and 5. I watch Ainsley and think soon I will NEVER have a 2 year old again. This is it, my last one. It's very bittersweet. Ainsley so looks up to Kaylee and is so excited to go to "school" and do the things Kaylee does, which has been some what helpful in potty training, although that's another post because we all know Ainsley has her own little spunk to her. So I am excited for Ainsley, but I also know I still carry her on my hip when Kaylee would have been walking, she's so little I can still hold her and rock, even though often times she doesn't want to sit still, and there are many other things that I will do for Ainsley that Kaylee was doing for herself.
I think this is often true of many people who have more than one child that are young. It's something I notice and something I find interesting. I am excited for Kaylee with all of the firsts and said with Ainsley because they are the lasts. So I think I will just look forward to the "different" ways we follow down that path and love on them as much as I can throughout the journey!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Kaylee's Wonderland
In light of the recent snowy weather we have had I thought I would post this story. Ainsley will often ask me to sing a song or tell a story about a random object she can see in the room. Example one day I was wearing pajama pants with snowflakes on them and she asked me to tell her a story about snowflakes. Since then the requests continue to come and the above mentioned story is now known as the Kaylee Wonderland story. We all know that Kaylee has a flare for the dramatics and I believe on this particular day she was being “extra” dramatic!
Here’s the “Kaylee’s Wonderland”:
Once upon a time there was a girl named Kaylee. One day while she was at home it started to snow. Kaylee loved the snow and couldn’t wait to go out and play in it. After there was a light dusting on the ground she gathered her coat, snow pants, hat, scarf, gloves and boots, put them all on and went outside. The light snow was still falling from the sky. After running around for awhile she began to get tired and decided to lie down and make a snow angel.
While she lay on the grown she watched the snow continue to fall from the sky, she felt as though she were in a snow globe. She soon realized the flakes were getting bigger and bigger. Instead of flakes they were like big, soft, blankets falling from the sky. Before she could get up a large flake fell from the sky and landed on her and covered her up. Kaylee, who was very dramatic, begin to cry. She cried and cried and cried and cried!
The warmth of tears began to melt all the snow and soon she was surrounded by water that was carrying her away. So to get home she had to swim, swim, swim. Once home her Mommy dried her off and wiped her tears away.
The water outside that was left from her tears froze. Later that afternoon Kaylee gathered all her snow things again and this time instead of her boots she grabbed her skates and went outside to ice skate. She also wore her floaties, this way if she began to cry again she could float back home instead of swim.
Here’s the “Kaylee’s Wonderland”:
Once upon a time there was a girl named Kaylee. One day while she was at home it started to snow. Kaylee loved the snow and couldn’t wait to go out and play in it. After there was a light dusting on the ground she gathered her coat, snow pants, hat, scarf, gloves and boots, put them all on and went outside. The light snow was still falling from the sky. After running around for awhile she began to get tired and decided to lie down and make a snow angel.
While she lay on the grown she watched the snow continue to fall from the sky, she felt as though she were in a snow globe. She soon realized the flakes were getting bigger and bigger. Instead of flakes they were like big, soft, blankets falling from the sky. Before she could get up a large flake fell from the sky and landed on her and covered her up. Kaylee, who was very dramatic, begin to cry. She cried and cried and cried and cried!
The warmth of tears began to melt all the snow and soon she was surrounded by water that was carrying her away. So to get home she had to swim, swim, swim. Once home her Mommy dried her off and wiped her tears away.
The water outside that was left from her tears froze. Later that afternoon Kaylee gathered all her snow things again and this time instead of her boots she grabbed her skates and went outside to ice skate. She also wore her floaties, this way if she began to cry again she could float back home instead of swim.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Florida 2010
We had yet another wonderful trip to the Sunshine State! This is Kaylee's 4th trip and Ainsley's 3rd! Kaylee is really able to pull out memories from past years and she was very excited to go. We had to come up with a countdown calendar to try to yield some of the "When are we going" questions. In fact for Christmas my mom got the girls monogrammed luggage sets. They included 1 extra large duffel bag (I could probably fit both girls in), 1 medium bag ( I could put Ainsley in) and a large back pack. About 2 days after Christmas Kaylee started randomly placing some items in the back pack. Thankfully I remembered this because I only used each of their medium bags and she had placed her new Scooby beach towel in the back pack. What a travesty that would have been to get to Florida with no Scooby beach towel.
In years past we have always flown. We are fortunate that my mom and Tim would drive and take all our stuff down so we would only have to take a carry on. However this year we opted to drive. It's a 19 hour drive and I was very hesitant to say the least. I kept checking on plane tickets just in case there was a great deal for 4 tickets; yes we would have to get 4 this year because Ainsley is 2. While we could have bought the tickets I just couldn't find any deals that I would be willing to pay for, so in the car we went. I also felt like it took much more organization on my part, there was the clothes and toys for the condo where we stay, but then there was snacks to pack, car activities, movies, and even the mini-potty chair for any desperate bathroom situations that may occur. The plus side was we really had A LOT of flexibility for what we wanted to do as far as when to leave, stop, etc. We knew if it got really bad on the drive down we could get a hotel. We decided to pick up the girls around 2 from school and the sitter on a Friday and head south. We stopped in Marion for dinner at a McDonalds with an indoor play area and let the girls play for a bit. We then drove another 2 hours and stopped for gas, PJ's and final potty break. Around 10:00 p.m. the girls were still contently watching DVD's, I finally turned them off so they would go to sleep. Overall, both coming and going the girls did AMAZING!! I was a little nervous when we got to Downs and Kaylee told me she was bored but we started to explore some of the activities I had packed and that seem to solve that issue.
Here we are on our way!!!
Kaylee was very excited to bring her camera. Every time we passed some place new she wanted to take photos. She is looking forward to getting photos printed so that she can make a book.
Of course Ainsley needed to take photos too, hers are mostly of herself.
Finally, Saturday afternoon we were down by Naples. We had to stop at the Bass Pro Shop first, and then checked in at the condo. My parents weren't there yet and of course the girls were ready to jump right in the pool. So we unloaded and changed and headed for a swim!
They also LOVE the beach. The ocean water is very cool this time of year, but they didn't care, they would run in it, sit in it, splash each other, etc. They loved it. I could sit on the beach for hours and just watch them.
In years past we have always flown. We are fortunate that my mom and Tim would drive and take all our stuff down so we would only have to take a carry on. However this year we opted to drive. It's a 19 hour drive and I was very hesitant to say the least. I kept checking on plane tickets just in case there was a great deal for 4 tickets; yes we would have to get 4 this year because Ainsley is 2. While we could have bought the tickets I just couldn't find any deals that I would be willing to pay for, so in the car we went. I also felt like it took much more organization on my part, there was the clothes and toys for the condo where we stay, but then there was snacks to pack, car activities, movies, and even the mini-potty chair for any desperate bathroom situations that may occur. The plus side was we really had A LOT of flexibility for what we wanted to do as far as when to leave, stop, etc. We knew if it got really bad on the drive down we could get a hotel. We decided to pick up the girls around 2 from school and the sitter on a Friday and head south. We stopped in Marion for dinner at a McDonalds with an indoor play area and let the girls play for a bit. We then drove another 2 hours and stopped for gas, PJ's and final potty break. Around 10:00 p.m. the girls were still contently watching DVD's, I finally turned them off so they would go to sleep. Overall, both coming and going the girls did AMAZING!! I was a little nervous when we got to Downs and Kaylee told me she was bored but we started to explore some of the activities I had packed and that seem to solve that issue.
Here we are on our way!!!
Kaylee was very excited to bring her camera. Every time we passed some place new she wanted to take photos. She is looking forward to getting photos printed so that she can make a book.
Of course Ainsley needed to take photos too, hers are mostly of herself.
Finally, Saturday afternoon we were down by Naples. We had to stop at the Bass Pro Shop first, and then checked in at the condo. My parents weren't there yet and of course the girls were ready to jump right in the pool. So we unloaded and changed and headed for a swim!
They also LOVE the beach. The ocean water is very cool this time of year, but they didn't care, they would run in it, sit in it, splash each other, etc. They loved it. I could sit on the beach for hours and just watch them.
Of course while at the beach one should always build a sand castle, this was a daily activity. Usually it was wake-up, eat breakfast, go to the beach, come back, swim, eat lunch, take a rest, and then swim again or go back to the beach. Such a hard life! Ainsley, as usual, tries to sit in anything that has a hole in it. Below is her "taking a bath" in the buckets. Notice the guy walking behind her and his questioning look.
This was one of our morning trips over to the beach. It is still a little chilly in the morning, it's usually pretty warm by 10, however the girls want to just live in their suits the entire day!
This was one of our morning trips over to the beach. It is still a little chilly in the morning, it's usually pretty warm by 10, however the girls want to just live in their suits the entire day!
A couple cute photos of the girls. I usually get them some new clothes, especially Kaylee as Ainsley has all of Kaylee's clothes from earlier, the below outfit Ainsley is wearing is a shirt with leggings, it's a 3T, since she will be 3 in May it will last her through the summer. It was so big that it was an almost ankle length dress. So maybe it will last her 2 summers, HAHA!
One morning Brad found a puffer fish that was on the beach. He made sure it was dead and wouldn't spontaneously "puff" up before letting Kaylee hold it. I can't believe how much she likes stuff like that! I hope that never changes about her.
I love taking these beach photos. I would just sit and take photo after photo. I will admit this one was staged. I had taken one like this from the year before and wanted to do another one because 1. I like how it looks and 2. Just for posterity sake.
I love taking these beach photos. I would just sit and take photo after photo. I will admit this one was staged. I had taken one like this from the year before and wanted to do another one because 1. I like how it looks and 2. Just for posterity sake.
I love going to Florida. Next year Kaylee will have school and I'm not 100% sure what we will do. It's a great time and nice reprieve from the winter. I still can't believe how great the girls did on the drive. On the way back we hit some bad weather and stayed in TN, but they still did great.
I'm so thankful to my mom and Tim for sharing this with us. I know they enjoy the girls and it makes my heart happy that they love making these memories with their grandchildren. I know it's something that we will all remember and I love that they, my mom and Tim and the girls, really get to know one another and experience these different things together.
Kaylee the Scientist
Meet Kaylee. She is 4 1/2 years old. She is a very inquisitive girl, always wanting to know what things are or how they work. She shows much determination, when she sets her mind to something she will work on it until she can do it. Her most recent accomplishments, and examples of her determination, include: snapping, reading, addition and whistling. Kaylee is also creative and enjoys doing arts and crafts, she also enjoys using adjectives and being very expressive, both verbally and non-verbally. She certainly is one to march to the beat of her own drum. While she is a girly girl in her fashion, always wanting to wear dresses, and can be a little on the weeny side at times in her overly dramatic reactions to some of life's smallest inconveniences, she is also very brave. Brave like a scientist. She likes bugs, digging in the dirt or looking under rocks for them. If she sees something she thinks might be interesting to look at she will pick it up. I admire this because many of these things gross me out. I can put my own worm on a hook, but wouldn't pick up a snake. When weather permits outside time at home she's always exploring for new things. So you can imagine how much she enjoys exploring in Florida and the things she finds!
Here's the little scientist in her "hula" pose, as she has named it.
Kaylee has enjoyed her time at the ocean. She likes to run down and catch water and sand as the tide comes in and bring it back on the sand, dump it and sift through it to see if she has gotten any treasures.
She likes to walk up and down the beach searching for hidden treasures, as well as trying to catch the birds because she feels she need to pet them and get a closer look.
This is one of the many treasures she has found at the beach. She carried it the whole way. This is something she saw and didn't hesitate to run over and pick it up, something I would have looked at and kept on walking.
Here are all the treasures she found today. There's a couple sponges, one that we think may have a clam inside it, a large shell, some sea wood, and even a bone. Yes, a bone. What kind, I don't know. Probably from something jaws got a hold of. These are all things she is looking forward to taking home and to school to show her friends.
I have to say that thanks to Kaylee I have broadened my horizon and noticed things I would have walked away from before. When she wants me to touch something I will, even though I'm squirming on the inside. I want to encourage her curiosity, who knows what that will inspire her to be when she grows-up!
Here's the little scientist in her "hula" pose, as she has named it.
Kaylee has enjoyed her time at the ocean. She likes to run down and catch water and sand as the tide comes in and bring it back on the sand, dump it and sift through it to see if she has gotten any treasures.
She likes to walk up and down the beach searching for hidden treasures, as well as trying to catch the birds because she feels she need to pet them and get a closer look.
This is one of the many treasures she has found at the beach. She carried it the whole way. This is something she saw and didn't hesitate to run over and pick it up, something I would have looked at and kept on walking.Here are all the treasures she found today. There's a couple sponges, one that we think may have a clam inside it, a large shell, some sea wood, and even a bone. Yes, a bone. What kind, I don't know. Probably from something jaws got a hold of. These are all things she is looking forward to taking home and to school to show her friends.
I have to say that thanks to Kaylee I have broadened my horizon and noticed things I would have walked away from before. When she wants me to touch something I will, even though I'm squirming on the inside. I want to encourage her curiosity, who knows what that will inspire her to be when she grows-up!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Ainsley the Destroyer
Once upon a time, in a southern, sunny land, was a vacationing little girl named Ainsley. A peanut in size, but mighty in her activities and energy! She had a sweet little voice that gave her the ability to draw anyone in. Seen below with her Daddy who would look at that darling little girl and think she could be a destroyer.
While on vacation she went to the beach with her family. They all decided to build a sandcastle and Ainsley was very helpful. She carried large buckets of water to help make the sand wet and easier to pack.
She pushed the sand together and helped pack it to make the large base for the castle.
She poured water on the sand and helped put shells on for windows.
What a beautiful castle everyone worked so hard together to make. What a great example of teamwork by the family.
Even after Daddy and Kaylee walked back down to the water Ainsley stayed behind to continue decorating the castle. We spent much time and effort on our castle and we were all so proud.
But little Miss Ainsley has an ornery side to her, a destructive side to her. You can see it in her eyes. She's up to something....
Ainsley's Mommy had turned to take a photo of the water and when she turned back around this is what she found. Sweet little Ainsley laying on the castle.
While on vacation she went to the beach with her family. They all decided to build a sandcastle and Ainsley was very helpful. She carried large buckets of water to help make the sand wet and easier to pack.
She pushed the sand together and helped pack it to make the large base for the castle.
She poured water on the sand and helped put shells on for windows.
What a beautiful castle everyone worked so hard together to make. What a great example of teamwork by the family.
Even after Daddy and Kaylee walked back down to the water Ainsley stayed behind to continue decorating the castle. We spent much time and effort on our castle and we were all so proud.
But little Miss Ainsley has an ornery side to her, a destructive side to her. You can see it in her eyes. She's up to something....
Ainsley's Mommy had turned to take a photo of the water and when she turned back around this is what she found. Sweet little Ainsley laying on the castle.
She also decided to sit on the castle. She was like a dragon in medieval times taking over the kingdom. Watch out Russel Crowe your Gladiator has nothing on this little destroyer.
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